Mature conversations

I wrote a comment on a post about communication in M/s relationships on fetlife last night and it pissed M off. He said he is ‘pissed off’, but I think that is actually M-speak for, ‘You hurt me.’

Specifically there was one thought in what I wrote that he said pissed him off the most:

The M/s fantasy in my head also wants to make me believe that he is all-powerful and all-knowing. And while he may sometimes have delusions of grandeur, the reality is that after many years together he still doesn’t know how I like my coffee (Yes, he sometimes makes me coffee and that makes me a terrible slave…lol.) If he doesn’t know how I like my coffee, he’s never going to know those dark little secrets I keep hidden away inside. Unless I tell him.

He said I made him seem like a moron by saying that he couldn’t get something as simple as how I like my coffee right. Then he said that it made him seem like he doesn’t care or want to know about all my quirks and things I like, when in reality he has invested so much time and effort getting to know the nitty-gritty about me and all my complexities.

My understanding is that he is upset because I didn’t acknowledge the emotional investment he has made in me and not only did I not acknowledge it, but I dismissed it.

In reality M has spent in inordinate amount of time talking to me, finding out about me, and trying to understand my inner workings because he loves me.

I can count the number of relationships with men I’ve had on one hand. Of those people, M is the only one who has been interested enough in me to really find out who I am. He accepts me, knows me and takes in his stride all the little things about me that no-one else has even bothered with. And my father, well, the man can’t even spell my name properly so that tells you how much he cares or doesn’t care about his youngest daughter.

So I’ve been thinking about why I wrote what I wrote.

Was I making a dig at M? Probably, on some unconscious level. But honestly, while I was writing it, the writer in me thought that balancing the juxtaposition of something as easily accessible (i.e. you can see it every day) as coffee against something that is so difficult to see (i.e. someone’s deep dark secrets) would make an interesting and possibly amusing sentence. I didn’t want to paint him as incompetent or uncaring but I guess that’s how he comes across when you read it.

Coming back to the unconscious level thing though, there is some reason why I chose to write what I did. M pointed out that I could have written a variety of other things such as the fact that my failure to communicate ended our relationship 8 months ago and from that experience I learned the fact that assuming people knew and understood how I felt was wrong. He said he wouldn’t have had any problem with that type of comment. And yes, I could have written something along those lines, but I guess that wouldn’t have been passive aggressive enough for my liking.

So, to cut through the crap, I’ll admit to poking him and prodding him for my own amusement because intrinsically I’m not happy with life at the moment for a couple of reasons. The dig about the coffee was a thinly veiled complaint about our relationship and more specifically him, he can’t make my coffee right i.e. he can’t get our relationship right.

I’m not sure what I hope to gain from taking digs at him. Do I want a reaction? Do I want a fight? Probably not a fight, but there is an immature, girlish part inside me that wants to think that a comment about his lack of coffee skills will lead to him fixing our relationship. Yeah, I know, so not going to happen.

There is a part of me that thinks being passive aggressive is a nicer way of criticizing someone or complaining indirectly about things, but after being on the end of the passive aggressiveness of the Jap-chick at work, I have to admit that it’s not very nice and as frustrating as all fuck so I really need to do something about that. Maybe I should have done a No Passive Aggressiveness November instead of a No Excuses November. I guess there I could always do a Deciding to Make a Change December.

Unfortunately I come from a non-confrontational family where I spent all of my life smiling and making positive noises on the surface while all the negative stuff was said behind people’s back or just not mentioned at all. The female role models I grew up with lived miserable lives putting up and shutting up with horrible men who emotionally crippled them. I’ve never learned to be open or trusting with my feelings. It’s scary and confronting and something that’s going to take me a while to work out (37 years and counting…actually my mother suggested that I get some counselling about my issues and I scoffed at the idea at the time, but maybe I should. Emotionally healing and all that stuff.)

But I digress away from the not happy with life issue. There are basically two things bugging me at the moment:

1.Me, my weight, my issues with food and all the associated shit that goes with that hot mess.

2.My relationship with M.

The fact that I don’t like work, am bored, am uninspired and am fast approaching forty years of age are other issues on my radar but they’re not biggies like 1 & 2.

1. Is a no-brainer and I basically just need to stop putting food in my mouth and have some fucking self-control. I’m wondering just how many items of clothing I need to have in my wardrobe that I can no longer fit into before I finally commit to making a change for the better.

2. M disputes this, but I feel like we are just back to where we were before we split up. We’re doing exactly the same things, just in a different location, with the only new addition being him leaving the apartment for a few hours on the weekend to give me some alone time.We have two separate lives that only cross because we happen to live at the same address. I feel so frustrated by the situation. And disappointed. There is a loooot of disappointment – which makes me angry.

There was a lot of talk of change and commitments to change between us during the reconciliation process, but I don’t know where all that has gone. And I’m sitting here wondering what I was supposed to do, to change, as part of my commitment.

I think I was supposed to be a better slave. There was talk about the five rules: boots, collar & cuffs, slutwear, call him Master, be obedient. Have I done those things? No. And the reason I haven’t is because I don’t feel like I’m being met halfway. I’m not going to stick my neck out if he won’t. That’s not very slavey behaviour I know, but that’s my mental state at the moment.

Maybe we need to have a review, revisit our reconciliation talks and emails. Have a look at what we both committed to and talk honestly about where we’re going with all this.

I bottled up all my frustration before and let it out by walking out the door. It wasn’t the most mature way to handle the situation and now I realise I need to have those mature conversations, the difficult conversations and trust him with my feelings.

I don’t like to fail and at the moment I feel like a failure. Failure to communicate.

garthknight

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6 thoughts on “Mature conversations”

  1. I think you’ve been very honest here, so it’s not impossible for you to explain your feelings in this medium, maybe? If you are going down the counselling road, may I suggest ACT rather than CBT – I think it would prove more beneficial. ACT is acceptance and commitment therapy and is (loosely) based around mindfulness and being present. My headshrinker is an ACT practitioner and while we have gone over some of the ‘whys’ to ascertain how I got to be so fucked in the head the goal is primarily to deal with what actually *is* right now, so it’s much more practical in that respect. I’ve found it really really helpful. I’m sorry to hear that you feel you’re back at square one with M, but it does rather sound like a mutual stalemate with neither willing to make the next move… Maybe if you (and/or he) felt differently about yourselves the rest would be much easier?
    email me anytime if you like, I’m always around for you xxx

    1. I’m working on being honest and trying to be a better communicator. I’m still failing at the communicating in appropriate ways aspect of things but I think I’m getting better at being honest.
      I’m a very why?-focussed person so I wonder whether ACT would really do it for me?!? I know sometimes knowing why doesn’t help with solving a problem but at least it satiates curiousity.

  2. How would anyone know your deep, dark secrets until you communicate them. Or might they be found in your story of Kassie if one looked?

  3. I’ve been there. And I’ve been a brat about it, just like you. And I’ve learned that the more I make Him into something “wrong” in my head, the more “wrong” he is. And the more fucked up “we” get. I’ve been married to Him for more than 8 years…and I too struggle with some of your similar hang-ups. I think sometimes we expect our Men to be more than they are or can be – even though they are often Everything to us. And we think they can read our minds…or should…when they are simply human. We have to help them be the best Leaders they can be.

    I love your honesty here. I’m just learning as I go about being a good sub. And reading things like this makes me feel human.

    Thanks for that.

    I’ve linked to you on my newest blog.

    1. Thanks for the comment 🙂

      It’s funny I was watching something on tv the other day about raising boys and how men have more pressure now than ever before because women expect them to be everything – not just the ‘traditional’ role but also everything in between.

      I need to stop being so greedy and accept and appreciate everything that I do have.

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