A few things

1. I shouldn’t make life-changing comments/decisions when I have my period

2. Cheesecake, even if it’s a generic frozen cheesecake that cost $3, still hits the spot

3. Gym attendance for 20 days straight wrecks your body

4. I need to be nicer to M. I’m terribly bitchy at times without even trying.

So, I broke my NEN commitment this evening. I just couldn’t rustle up the energy to haul my ass to gym for day 21. The completionist in me is thinking that it’s only 9pm and I could still go for a walk if I wanted to, but the part of me that can’t be assed is thinking about my aches and pains and is quite comfortable here on the couch writing a blog. So I’m going to side with my can’t-be-assed self and pat myself on the back for 20 days straight. I’ll finish up the 30 day challenge with something like 28 gym sessions under my belt, so that’s not too shabby.

M and I had a few talks after my bratty outburst the other day. I still need to work on early intervention techniques a.k.a. telling him something is wrong as soon as I start feeling something is amiss and talking to him like an adult instead of getting all melodramatic and blogging about it in my usual emotive, highly-stylized way.

One of the interesting things that came out of our talks was my comment to him:

“I didn’t sign up to be your girlfriend.”

It’s actually quite easy to forget you’re Master/slave when you live with someone and the world thinks you’re ‘partners’. And this is a comment that will probably get me into trouble as well, but I think sometimes that M thinks treating me like a slave is a punishment.

I guess it is punishment on some levels. It’s not ‘nice’ to be treated harshly, be beaten or have your privileges taken away. But I don’t always want nice. There is a part of me that wants to be objectified and challenged because being treated ‘nicely’ all the time makes me lose an appreciation for being treated ‘nicely’. Treats stop being treats when you have them all the time.

During the six months we were apart, I realised two things: the value of unconditional love is priceless and being a slave is more important to me than any other type of relationship.

I’m honoured and often feel very unworthy of the depth of M’s feelings for me. I wish I could be that passionate about something…anything…but instead of a consuming passion, I feel vague emotions about everyone and everything. I love him, but maybe I’m too emotionally retarded to feel anything else.

In terms of my slavery, he’s not doing me a favour my treating me nicely all the time, in fact, it almost feels like punishment to not be treated like a slave. It doesn’t give me a chance to really be who I am.

(It’s at this point that a lot of people reading this will be thinking that I’m a bad slave for not feeling slavey all the time and for putting the onus on him to make me feel like a slave and for not creating my own opportunities to serve. But honestly, I need help to get into that headspace. I need help to switch off all the white noise in my head and just be left with the silence of slavery.)

And once again, you’ll probably notice that I’m writing /wining about something here that I probably should be talking about with him to his face. Maybe old habits do die hard.

As far as being nice is concerned, I’m aware now that I often shut down his comments and suggestions with bitchy /sarcastic remarks instead of recognising them for the positive contributions they are. As an example, just today he asked if I wanted to go to a munch this weekend, to which I responded with, “Why the fuck would I want to do that?” instead of responding with a much more positive, “That a good suggestion, but I have issues with a few of the people attending so it’s probably not something I will feel comfortable at.”

It makes a big difference, doesn’t it? I really do need to reduce my dose of bitchy pills.

german

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9 thoughts on “A few things”

  1. Hey Subtle,
    Just a thought… do you think you use the blog to be able to sort out everything you are feeling before talking to him first? Or if not, that you could use it to do so? I am with you on the gym thing, as of last night actually. I did walking, some light jogging and of course the boxing. Have one more class of boxing to do next week, but I’m not continuing to enjoy it, might try something else, like resistance bands. It has been very cold here as of late which has had me not wanting to go outside. The last chapter in the story was so hard to read, very well written but I had to read it tiny morsels. Oof. Good job! 🙂
    hugs,
    Shula

    1. Hi Shula,
      I’d like to think I use my blog to sort out my feelings, but I probably use it more as an ‘easy way out’. Confrontations and I are uneasy partners. I actually asked him if he’d prefer me to keep the blog private, or at least certain entries and that way it would be sharing just with him, but he said no.
      I have the same problem of trying to find an exercise that I enjoy…but you still did well on the challenge! Good on you! *shakes pom poms*
      Just a question…was the chapter hard to read because it was long, because it was a bit graphic or because of Thaylin having a hard time?

      1. You did excellent as well! I do a twirl in your honor! No! Three twirls! It is epic, I assure you. 🙂 I’m not any good at confrontations either, usually go for a walk to clear my head, or two or three walks before I talk about stuff.
        As for the story, I love the length, the more the better! I don’t mind graphic either, as I am such a visual person and you have an amazing way with words. No, no, it is because I’m all ‘oh no! Thaylin!’ And want to hug the not-real-person and make his life awesome. Told ya, big softie.

        1. Ok..phew…I was a bit concerned (just because the story has taken a bit of a different path and it’s hard to gauge reactions sometimes.)

          It’s so cute that you want to hug the not-real person…hehehe. But I totally get it because over the last year and a half I’ve lived with the characters in my head and they are ‘present’ so much that they almost feel like friends.

    1. I know…but so bitchy, right? I’ve actually had to back up mid-convo and say, ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so bitchy, blah blah blah.’ Obviously being bitchy comes naturally to me 😉

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