I’ve been in a few relationships. I’m not sure whether the amount of relationships I’ve been in (by my tally, it’s 4.75) qualifies as a ‘few’ but I’ve been in more than a couple, so let’s roll with a ‘few’.
I haven’t really learned the secret to a successful relationship, but I think one of the most important things is to find yourself a person you can play Portal with.
I’m pretty sure Portal is the measure by which all relationships should be measured by.
In fact, being able to play Portal with someone you love without killing them should be required before you’re allowed to marry someone. You should have to get your “Portal Certification” before being able to sign on the dotted line of your marriage certificate.
I purchased a copy of Portal 2 last week thinking it would be a fun way to spend the four days of Easter holidays with M. If you’re not familiar with Portal, it’s a lateral thinking puzzle game with a co-op mode requiring you to cooperate in order to complete each level.
We started playing on Friday and our conversations since then have been carried out at high volume and go mostly like this:
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT??
COME OVER HERE!
DON’T STAND THERE FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
YOU NEED TO SHOOT YOUR PORTAL THINGIE THERE SO WE CAN GET SPAT OUT HERE AND GET UP THERE…ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY SCREEN?!? LOOK AT MY FUCKING SCREEN! SEE THERE?? LOOK AT MY FUCKING SCREEN!!
JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME FOR A FUCKING MINUTE!!
GREAT! NOW WE’RE FUCKED!
And that’s just what I’ve been saying.
It’s been frustrating and makes my head hurt. We’ve both needed to take breaks and walk away from the screen while we cooled down.
But we’ve jumped on buttons at the same time, portaled walkways, diffused lasers, flung each other through the air and like I said, it’s been great relationship training.
Now, I love me a good puzzle. Most of the games I play have to have some sort of puzzle component or they don’t hold my attention. I’m not really into spraying mobs with bullets and I don’t really know my BMGs from my SMGs. M can grind away at games like Borderlands & Defiance for weeks, drooling over guns and shields, but I need to feel like I’m building something or solving something. So it’s quite rare for us to play a game together but when we do, it’s fun.
The last game we played together was Enslaved (that game got bonus points for the Monkey-based story, hot male lead & slave references).
Before that it was Tombraider (full of angsty awesomeness.)
We enjoyed both but wanted a split-screen co-op game so we could both play at the same time. I’d been thinking about Portal for quite some time, but never got around to it for some reason. Now that we’ve had our Portal cherry popped, I feel complete.
I really don’t think I would have been able to play Portal with any of the other people I’ve been in a relationship with. They wouldn’t have had the patience or let me solve puzzles, they wouldn’t have been chill when I fucked up for the millionth time or been au fait at my insistence that I’m right when I’m usually wrong.
M gets me. He accepts me. That’s a beautiful thing.