Sunday morning thoughts over cappuccino

My first thought is that I drink a lot of cappuccino…(I don’t know, is four shots in two big-ass mugs over two days a lot?)

My second thought is that I surprise myself sometimes. For a person who measures their worth in ticking things off her bucket list and receiving praise from others, I shouldn’t really be surprised, but I am still surprised when I manage to do things.

Out of the many hundreds of pictures of me floating around the place, I look at two pictures a lot.

This one:


(a) because I had thigh gap and

(b) because it’s the aftermath of probably the most solid beating I’ve ever had

And this one:


My obligatory black and white photo of pre-wedding dressing.

I don’t really know why I keep coming back to these two photos.

Maybe they remind me of things I have accomplished and when I’m floundering in a state of limbo it helps to remind myself that I have done and can do things.

I did my 8km run yesterday. I’d forgotten how running gives you a lot of alone time in your head. To distract myself from the constant chatter coming from my body saying, ‘Why the fuck are you doing this to me??’ I usually have a running conversation (no pun intended) with myself about various things. A lot of those conversations involve how I should be getting more – more out of life, more out of relationships, more out of this bdsm thing I dabble in.

I always remember that episode of Sex and the City in Season 6, where Carrie is talking to Petrovsky about having children. She is trying to decide if she really wants children or not and says that if she really wants something in her life, she always finds a way to make it happen so the fact that she hasn’t had a child probably means that she doesn’t really want one.

I think that’s pretty much true for me too. When I want something, I go and get it. Things I don’t really want, I’ll procrastinate over and fart around with; I won’t put my heart and soul into it.

So, bdsm…I dabble every now and then but I don’t make it a priority and I don’t put my heart and soul into it. Based on what I know of myself, that means it’s not something that I really want.

Sometimes bdsm feels like flossing my teeth. It’s something I feel I should be doing, but I can’t really be assed. I used to lie and make excused to the dentist about my lack of flossing and now I just own my lack of interest in it.

Should I bite the bullet and do the same with this sad-excuse for slavery that I do?


8 thoughts on “Sunday morning thoughts over cappuccino

Add yours

  1. but then what happens to the itches?

    is it really an all-or-nothing question, the bdsm thing?

    i find your choice of ‘accomplishments’ interesting. Getting married, to me, isn’t an accomplishment as much as the STAYING married bit (which I totes failed at btw 😉 )
    You have lots more accomplishments than that, like your language proficiency, your amazing story-weaving ability, your insights into what makes you tick (facing ourselves is something most people avoid AT ALL COSTS! lol!) In other words you have LOTS of accomplishments which combine to make you the complex and multi-faceted creature you are. To consider bdsm etc as all or nothing proposition seems to construe it (and by extension, yourself) as somewhat two dimensional. It’s not, and neither are you.

    My 2 cents. 😉

    You’re welcome 😛

    1. I think mawage is an accomplishment (particularly since it means I found someone who wanted to marry me and all that that brings with it!) It’s one of those big-ticket items on my bucket list that I’m glad to have been able to tick off.

      Well, I am an all or nothing kind of person – as you well know. I really don’t like doing anything in halves – from cappuccino to bdsm, I need the big-ass, mother-fucking deal or it ain’t happening.

      Although M did say something interesting to me the other day – that all these objections and excuses are just because I don’t want to take responsibility for stuff. I’d have to say that I totally agree with that. I’ve never wanted to take responsibility and hate it with a passion. Is it shite of me to dismiss things and not want to make an effort, even a little bit and then be happy with the little bit I get out of it?

      Now I’m starting to ramble…lol. I don’t even know what half of this reply means!

      1. Perfectionism often comes out that way – not wanting to take risks/responsibility/start (delete as applicable…)


  2. Can you put the BDSM thing in ‘hibernation’ for a bit? That way there is no yes or no atm, you can choose to bring it out of hibernation when you feel like it, or let if hibernate forever.

    I can be very indecisive and I angst about a lot of things. I go for the ‘what makes me feel less ‘icky’ if I was to choose that option’; then I go for that one. It might not make me comfortable or happy, but it doesn’t make me feel less comfortable or happy.

    Not sure that even makes sense! lol

    P.S bet that session hurt…

    1. I feel like I should be paying rent for the couch you let me lie on while giving advice 😉

      P.S It did…but I still put my piercings as No.1 on my ouchie list.

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