Thanks universe!

Hello everybody! You may remember me from such things as this blog and….well, this blog.

I’ve just come back from a three-week trip to my home town and to Japan. I spent 36 hours on airplanes and that gave me quite a lot of thinking time (I’d already seen all the movies…)

Here are some of my thoughts (in no particular order):

  •  A classical version of “All about that bass” is a very weird song to be pumped through an airplane’s sound system while you’re waiting to take off
  • Running on a treadmill for any length of time makes me want to slit my wrists
  • Taking your own pillow on a travel itinerary that includes seven flights is pure genius and complete idiocy at the same time
  • The A380 is a BFP (big fucking plane) and FYI, the upstairs economy seats are the shizz
  • Australian people look incredibly bogan and sloppy after spending any amount of time in Japan
  • Intestines taste really good – if you can get over the weird texture
  • Korean girls can get super bitchy if you get into a fight with them over the last remaining boxes of chocolate-covered potato chips at the airport shop
  • Many Chinese people really need to learn how to use a toilet (please flush your used paper, don’t throw it into the little bin in the cubicle that is for sanitary napkins! It’s summer…you know how much that stinks??)
  • Taking your very politically incorrect boss to a kamikaze museum on the eve of the Hiroshima bombing is never a good idea (he started singing the song, “America, Fuck yeah!” from Team America: World Police)
  • I really don’t enjoy travelling by myself
  • Singapore Airlines is just the shizz. Haagen Dazs ice cream, hot towels, CA who actually smile and want to help? Just take my money!
  • Watching dramatic footage of the largest commercial airline crash in history (highest loss of life) that occurred in Japan in 1985 the night before your return flight is never a good idea.
  • How do people have sex in airplane bathrooms? I barely have enough room in there to pee.
  • Running in high temperatures /high humidity is very cruel and unusual torture

I had about five days of quality shopping in Japan after my work schedule was done. I stayed down south in Fukuoka this time (just to mix things up a bit) and I have to say it’s a pretty good base in terms of fulfilling my requirements: a really good 100 yen shop, a couple of department stores, a good bookstore, uniqlo, my go-to restaurant chains, Starbucks and several other shopping places all within walking or a quick bus/subway ride. I’d probably take M there on our next trip to Japan.

Like the true masochist I am, I tried to stick faithfully to my marathon training schedule while I was away and mostly succeeded. I gave up trying to do my 32km run in Japan (because too hot/too humid/treadmills make me suicidal) and did it when I came back but other than that I was a good girl.

So this time next week I’ll be done with my marathon and I’m sure everyone I work with/live with/talk to will say, ‘Thank fucking Christ!’ because I will finally be able to shut up about it.

Hopefully we’ll then return to our regular programming of me whining about submission/slavery and waxing philosophical about life.

P.S I just wanted to say thanks, Mr Universe, for listening to me as I willed my body to get done with its monthly girlie things a week before my marathon. I know you like cycles and routines and based on that I was scheduled to get a whole lot of cramps and some icky stuff happening the night before and on day of said marathon so a BIG, MASSIVE thanks for listening to my desperate pleas.


6 thoughts on “Thanks universe!

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  1. Speaking on behalf of the universe and God, I’d just like to point out that you we always listen when folks ask for help….but then when they take it on themselves to “will their body”, well…so who are we to get between you and your body? Huh?? Yeah, we (God, the universe and Upton) listen…sometimes we can even do stuff, but mostly not. It’s sorta like the ass-wipe in the napkin bin…wish it weren’t so, but it still stinks.

    Anyhow..once again, on behalf of God and the universe, thanks for taking down the “How do you tell….” joke header and welcome back

    Mr. Upton, Front-man-for-God, Ogood

  2. From your lack of rejoinder, I am left to infer that my humour -may- have not found it’s audience…or (dare I say it?), it waddn’t all that funny (which, from my perspective, is unlikely. I asked God and he didn’t reply which I took for “it’s ok, kid. press on”. I didn’t ask the universe which is known for it’s lack of humour).

    Since we’re in “eye of the beholder mode”, if I missed the mark, forgive and delete (we don’t want to share my failures). As penance, I’ll only do knock-knock or elephant jokes for the rest of last year. Fair enough?

    Ego absolvo meum.

    Mr. Upton, who took a path less travel but didn’t run a marathon on it, Ogood

    1. My lack of response was due to the fact that I was stunned into silence by receiving a comment from the emissary of not only the Universe, but God herself.
      ‘Twas twuly stunning 🙂

      I’m fighting off the beginnings of a cold and I’m willing myself not to get sick, so if you’ve still got a bit of sway with the Universe and God and all things bright and beautiful and can help out a girl a tad, that would be fan-fucking-tastic.

      And I’m saving up all my joke headers just for yoooouuuu!

  3. I was just about to kick your weequest up the line, but then you had to go and “will yourself”. Sorry…the boss has a firm rule against interfering with free will. So…take two aspirin and call me in the morning.

    Mr Upton, I’m not a doctor…it’s just a game I play with friends, Ogood

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