Pain revisited

I have a lovely friend, tavia, who I met through this blog. We exchange emails about life and relationships and she has always been very supportive about my choices and my writing. Recently, she did me the honour of downloading my books and I received a squee-inducing email from her this morning saying how much she is enjoying revisiting the story and how juicy the pain scenes are (thank you, tavia, not only for the email, but for the blog topic!)

Pain and I have an interesting relationship. I enjoy reading and writing about pain or painful experiences quite a lot (as long as there are no needles…or pointy things…I was watching The Martian last night and that scene with the antenna…phew…I couldn’t cope…lol.)

I’ve mentioned before that I always try and internalise pain. I don’t make a lot of noise, but you’ll see the crease between my eyebrows:


then the focus to push everything down (and the smile generally disappears):


but then there are the times when stuff is just too ouchie and it comes out (and I’m usually annoyed with myself when that happens):


I’ve never self-harmed or gone out of my way to seek it out, but it is something that I’ve always considered part of any M/s relationship I’ve been involved in. Along with restrictions (movement, choices, access to food/money/time etc.,) it is one of the basic mechanisms that you can use to control someone. Unfortunately, pain, for me, loses some of its appeal if it’s simply pain for pain’s sake. Giving me a beating ‘because I’m a slave’ doesn’t really gel. I process things a lot better if there is a purpose.

Pain for punishment, I get. Pain because slave, I don’t.

Personally, I really don’t see how either person can get something out of a beating if there is no purpose. It’s not really something you can do to simply pass the time between seasons of Game of Thrones.

M will sometimes say to me, ‘I’m going to beat your ass today’ and being the bad slave I am, I ask, ‘Why?’ His standard answer is, ‘because you’re a slave.’ And my response to that is generally to make him a batch of scones to distract his thoughts from my ass and to the delectable cranberry-filled delights in front of him (true story today…hehehe.)

I’m big on motivations. I really, really like to know why people do things and what makes them tick. After ten years, a break-up, a reunion, a switcheroo of roles and enough discussions/fights/arguments between us that my eye twitches merely at the thought of the time I’ve spent giving him the silent treatment (I can be sooo childish…), M still confuses the fuck out of me. To me, ‘because you’re a slave’ isn’t a motivation. I want to know why he wants to do it, and if he doesn’t really want to do it, just don’t, okay? Just don’t even mention it, okay? because it just messes with my head.

Of course, that’s probably why he does it to begin with.


4 thoughts on “Pain revisited

Add yours

  1. I love your new website, and books update.
    As far as pain, i have wondered for years why i can process pain into pleasure, and why i am submissive. Except at work.

    I use to worry about being ‘different’, but now just accept me for me. I know i can not change that aspect of me anymore than i can change the color of my eyes. I am not a cutter, but require a mate who knows how to manage me and the process. He can make my pain terrible, or wonderful. He knows just how far to go, and when to terminate the exercise. I also think that the beating can be the purpose. It provides something to the giver and receiver when neither is ‘wired’ normally. Then again what is normal?


    1. Do you really process it into pleasure though? Is it the byproduct of endorphins and adrenaline that you enjoy or the pain itself? Does the pain make you feel good about yourself/your relationship/your role?

      If your mate is a sadist and you, yourself are a masochist, I can understand what you both get from the exercise, but what if both of you are neither of those things? What do you ‘get’ out of the pain?

      (lots of tough questions there 🙂 )

      P.S Glad you like the updates.

  2. Those are hard questions. I don’t know. My pleasure comes from the overall relationship in general. (I must admit i made a lot of mistakes getting to this point.) The pain pleasure is an addition whether caused as a by product of endorphins and adrenaline, or something else in my brain. I have been ‘disciplined’ at play parties by people other than Master, and could not take it. Ended up a crying mess. It could be part of my desire to please Master sand to be a strong slave for Him.

    Something for me to considered other than the excuse that i am wired differently. You do make me think.



    1. Glad I made you think 🙂

      I’ve never been disciplined/punished by someone else so I can’t really comment on whether I found it more difficult or not, but on the occasions when I have played with others, it has felt ‘difficult’ (I’m not really sure how to describe it) mostly due to the fact that I had no relationship per se with that person and because there was a lot of ‘unknown’.

      I think you become attached to your owner and end up ‘knowing’ what they will do and how they will treat you. You don’t have that level of comfort with someone else and that’s what makes it tough.

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