I have a lot of things to say about the new Star Wars movie, but instead of being a douche and putting spoilers on the main blog, I’ve hidden it away here so at least you can choose if you want to go read it.(It’s a fairly amusing review, but if your reaction to Star Wars is Star what? you’re probably not going to appreciate it. Also…major spoilers there, so stay away if you haven’t seen it yet.)
I received a comment on one of my last blogs that I answered and it turned into a massive purge that wouldn’t fit into the space of a comment reply box, so here it is as a post for your reading pleasure.
There were two parts of the comment that I particularly latched onto:
…i feel like you’ve got so much ability and it’s like your stunting your own growth…
…while you where having your rummspringa (!) i was cheering you on! it felt like you cut yourself down before you got what you wanted – i feel like M isnt on a path of growth and eventually it will niggle away between you to and you will live being unsatisfied. Locking yourself down out of fear isnt going to make you happy…
Self-worth and self-confidence are two areas that I know I have issues in.
On a side note, we’ve got a HR guy in my office who is on a personality-test kick at the moment. You know those online things that you normally do when you’re going for a job interview and they want to see what makes you tick? He is getting everyone in the office to do them because he thinks it will help us understand ourselves more. I kind of laughed in his face when he suggested that I do one and he has been very icy to me since! If he only knew that I’ve been doing my own never-ending personality test for the past ten years here on this blog and there isn’t anything a generic online quiz could possibly tell me about myself that I don’t already know. I think that’s why I kind of went, ‘Pffffffft!’ in his face and walked off.
I guess what I’m rambling on about is the fact that I’m quite aware of what is wrong with me, but I don’t know how to make it right. It’s not as simple as telling myself that I should value/trust/believe in myself more and then having things magically become better.
And the other thing that is holding me back from addresses these ‘faults’ of mine is that I wonder whether they actually are faults. Aren’t all the bits that are rough around the edges and not so perfect what make me, me? I’ve spent most of my life trying to make up for/cover my faults and there’s a part of me now that kind of wants to embrace them.
Accept, embrace and don’t look back, isn’t that what they say?
During my rumspringa, the main thing that I was trying to do was seeing if I could have more. I felt like I didn’t have enough in my life- that there were things lacking and I wanted to see if I could build on what I already had. What happened was I lost a lot of what I started with and what I gained didn’t make up for what I lost. I think perhaps I need to accept that enough really can be enough and trying to gorge yourself on life isn’t necessarily the best thing. From this perspective, I did get what I wanted on my rumspinga because what I wanted was to know.
Was I also trying to find internal happiness, externally? Probably.
There is some craziness from that period in my life that I miss from that time. I also probably sometimes miss being out of my comfort zone (because I’ve got an endurance kink and all that), but at the same time I had a lot of dire thoughts going through my mind about dying alone and not finding anyone who understood and accepted me. That last bit is hard and is the most important thing to me at this stage of my life.
So, I’ll finish up by saying that the points you’ve raised are all things I’ve already been thinking about. Growth and goals are important to me and M and I are quite different people when it comes to this personality-wise (there is also the age gap thing…a nineteen year gap makes things extremely hard sometimes). We tend to deal with this difference by living in denial but you’re right, it will continue to niggle away at me until I reach a point. I have some plans for the new year that involve having a frank discussion about stuff, which we haven’t really done since we got back together. He had needs and I have needs and they both need to be addressed.
Your comment made me think about things again, so thank you. The only time you ever have to fear is when people stop thinking.