Purge

I have a lot of things to say about the new Star Wars movie, but instead of being a douche and putting spoilers on the main blog, I’ve hidden it away here so at least you can choose if you want to go read it.(It’s a fairly amusing review, but if your reaction to Star Wars is Star what? you’re probably not going to appreciate it. Also…major spoilers there, so stay away if you haven’t seen it yet.)

I received a comment on one of my last blogs that I answered and it turned into a massive purge that wouldn’t fit into the space of a comment reply box, so here it is as a post for your reading pleasure.

There were two parts of the comment that I particularly latched onto:

 …i feel like you’ve got so much ability and it’s like your stunting your own growth…

…while you where having your rummspringa (!) i was cheering you on! it felt like you cut yourself down before you got what you wanted – i feel like M isnt on a path of growth and eventually it will niggle away between you to and you will live being unsatisfied. Locking yourself down out of fear isnt going to make you happy…

Self-worth and self-confidence are two areas that I know I have issues in.

On a side note, we’ve got a HR guy in my office who is on a personality-test kick at the moment. You know those online things that you normally do when you’re going for a job interview and they want to see what makes you tick? He is getting everyone in the office to do them because he thinks it will help us understand ourselves more. I kind of laughed in his face when he suggested that I do one and he has been very icy to me since! If he only knew that I’ve been doing my own never-ending personality test for the past ten years here on this blog and there isn’t anything a generic online quiz could possibly tell me about myself that I don’t already know. I think that’s why I kind of went, ‘Pffffffft!’ in his face and walked off.

I guess what I’m rambling on about is the fact that I’m quite aware of what is wrong with me, but I don’t know how to make it right. It’s not as simple as telling myself that I should value/trust/believe in myself more and then having things magically become better.

And the other thing that is holding me back from addresses these ‘faults’ of mine is that I wonder whether they actually are faults. Aren’t all the bits that are rough around the edges and not so perfect what make me, me? I’ve spent most of my life trying to make up for/cover my faults and there’s a part of me now that kind of wants to embrace them.

Accept, embrace and don’t look back, isn’t that what they say?

During my rumspringa, the main thing that I was trying to do was seeing if I could have more. I felt like I didn’t have enough in my life- that there were things lacking and I wanted to see if I could build on what I already had. What happened was I lost a lot of what I started with and what I gained didn’t make up for what I lost. I think perhaps I need to accept that enough really can be enough and trying to gorge yourself on life isn’t necessarily the best thing. From this perspective, I did get what I wanted on my rumspinga because what I wanted was to know.

Was I also trying to find internal happiness, externally? Probably.

There is some craziness from that period in my life that I miss from that time. I also probably sometimes miss being out of my comfort zone (because I’ve got an endurance kink and all that), but at the same time I had a lot of dire thoughts going through my mind about dying alone and not finding anyone who understood and accepted me. That last bit is hard and is the most important thing to me at this stage of my life.

So, I’ll finish up by saying that the points you’ve raised are all things I’ve already been thinking about. Growth and goals are important to me and M and I are quite different people when it comes to this personality-wise (there is also the age gap thing…a nineteen year gap makes things extremely hard sometimes). We tend to deal with this difference by living in denial but you’re right, it will continue to niggle away at me until I reach a point. I have some plans for the new year that involve having a frank discussion about stuff, which we haven’t really done since we got back together. He had needs and I have needs and they both need to be addressed.

Your comment made me think about things again, so thank you. The only time you ever have to fear is when people stop thinking.

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4 thoughts on “Purge

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  1. I wasn’t really keen on the Star Wars movie.

    My OH has all of the movies and as I’ve never watched Star Wars in the past (yes I know, I should be banished LOL); I watched all of them to get up to speed.

    I was really excited about seeing the movie, but left thinking oh, that wasn’t so exciting after all.

    We should have seen it in 3D I’m sure it would have been more exciting. 😀

  2. One of the guys I work with went to see it in 3D and said that because it wasn’t specifically made for 3D that there are a couple of good moments, but nothing really ground-shattering. (Sometimes I find 3D makes me nauseous or gives me a headache so I generally stay away from it except when I know it needs to be 3D like Avatar.)
    I tried to get myself hyped up too, but I think because I knew where the story was going, it didn’t generate that same excitement.

    And yes, you should be banished for not seeing them previously!!

  3. Thanks for answering my comment – i didn’t mean to be intrusive or to say something that made you or M uncomfortable. I also didn’t really express myself properly and not sure i can either – I suppose i just wanted to say it feels like you have this amazing amount of…vitality and er, life to you and that comment really struck me as you shouldn’t limit yourself and like the weird junction of submission and self development where we give over our lives to someone who it maybe turns out we have some different ideas of what’s important to pursue (Not explaining myself very well)
    And if and when M/s dynamics can cause the wrong type of friction,
    if we use them to tie ourselves down emotionally because it’s easier than taking control over (some) aspects of ourselves that could do with challenging and the conflict that can cause in roles that we’ve chosen.
    I didn’t mean to say you shouldn’t be with M bc of your differences, just that maybe it felt like the growth you gave yourself stopped when you got back together/ moved in with each other again and mayyybbe it didn’t have too?
    As far as you reply of being well aware of your problems but no idea how to/if to tackle them – i totally agree about the allowing and embracing flaws – at the same time i think every single human faces reoccurring themes over the course of their lives – there’s just some things that niggle away at people and yes it’s very hard to know how to face these niggles and how listen to them and act,
    Personally, on the how to tackle this sort of shit front, i’m a big fan of coaching. Coaching can help with all aspects of personal development and the getting unstuck is one of the biggest things it’s used for.
    I’m sure your already familiar with it – everybody’s got some idiot facebook friend who’s given up their office job to become a wellness coach – despite being flooded with idiots, the practice and principles are solid – a lot like therapy but as well as unearthing underlining emotional issues, coaching actively helps people to build change into their lives so it’s more action orientated. by working with someone to help try out solutions people get supported in facing their niggles.
    and there’s this website called coachmefree where you can sus out peoples services and see if theirs anyone you can possibly stand and they free trial sessions…..

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