M and I had the beginnings of a frank discussion early on new year’s eve. By ‘frank’ I mean he was all weird and frosty after reading my purge blog, I started crying, he asked me what I wanted, I told him, he responded with mostly what I wanted to hear and then our talk ended in me feeling guilty for ‘making’ him give me what I wanted through emotional blackmail.
All in all, a very frank discussion.
That’s generally how our ‘frank’ discussions have gone for the last ten years, so no surprises there.
When I write in my blog I’m not trying to make him seem like an asshole (unless he has really pissed me off and then it’s all bets off) but I know it often ends up being that way. He refers to it as ‘throwing him under a bus’ or ‘stringing him up’. I get that, because it’s the result of yours truly writing one-sided blog entries about emotionally-charged encounters in an entertaining way.
Unfortunately for M, I’m a much better manipulator of written language than he is and I know how to string a sentence together that paints me as the victim, victor or whatever the hell I want to be at any given moment. While I will always lose when it comes to a verbal exchange with M, I can run rings around him when it comes to writing (my actual conversations are always much better in my head or on paper than they will ever be coming out of my mouth!) And while conversations are soon forgotten, the written word remains and ten years of my whining – over 1200 blogs -are here to trawl back through and think, ‘Gee, M is such an asshole!’
I don’t often talk about the good things in our relationship. I don’t often give M a pat on the back for a job well done or thank him for putting up with the difficult ball of angst that is me for a couple of reasons, firstly, happiness doesn’t make good blogging material (I don’t feel compelled to write about not having a problem) and secondly, I don’t want him to get too cocky *snickers*.
I think in most D/s situations, when something goes wrong, the dominant is always seen as the one to blame. It’s natural for people to take the side of the ‘weaker’ party and I suppose there’s an idea that the dominant is supposed to be the one in control, so if something is broke, the dominant needs to fix it.
As with other mere mortals, the dominant is not a mind-reader, super-human or infallible and likewise, the submissive can undermine, manipulate or essentially just be an asshole. Nothing good is ever going to come out of a relationship where both parties aren’t playing nicely with each other and a healthy relationship relies on both sides putting in some effort.
One of the more interesting comments from M to come out of our frank discussion was,
‘You always make the mistake of holding me to your standards.’
I hadn’t really thought about it before, but I have to agree. Not only do I set the same high standards for those around me as I do for myself, but I also assume that everyone has similar hang-ups and reactions to me.
He followed that initial bomb-shell with an equally eye-opening comment that make me stop and think:
‘I’m not you.’
It seems like a no-shit-sherlock thing as well, but I had to really stop and think about it for a moment. It’s wrong and bit egotistical to think that he interprets, thinks and feels in exactly the same way I do and there are a lot of basic things that we process in very different ways.
As exhibit one I’d like to offer that rant I had the other day about how he leaves the dirty dish-water in the sink on a regular basis. There is a large part of me that processes his action as a lack of love because I’ve asked him not to do it over and over again, so his wanton act makes me think:
Not doing as I ask=lack of care=lack of respect=lack of love.
To him though, it’s got nothing to do with how he feels about me, and everything to do with a weird feeling that maybe he will need the water later on (some hang-over from his hoarder-type personality?)
I do take a lot of things personally. I can probably entwine some level of emotional attack into every single thing people do or say around me and I probably just need to step back, take a deep breath and realise that sometimes you need to simply take things on face value or as I like to say, ‘Not everyone is as twisted as I am.’