I met an old friend for lunch today. I’ve known her for over ten years and she has always been fascinated by two things: my crooked index finger and my lifestyle.

By the way, I really hate calling it a ‘lifestyle’ but I don’t know what else to say…’life choice’? ‘kink’? ‘out of the ordinary stuff I do’? And the crooked finger thing? That’s a whole other story for another time.

So, my friend, we used to work together when I first came back to Australia and sometime near the end of my first M/s relationship I told her what that necklace around my neck really was and I talked to her about my interests. She was fascinated then and is fascinated now. I’m surprised she hasn’t gone and done something about her curiosity in the past ten years, but I guess like a lot of other people who don’t act on their fantasies, she simply stays curious.

I’d describe her as a switch or maybe a service top. Or maybe she’s just another one of those newbies that doesn’t really know what they like or want and so feels better with a label that broadly covers everything. Anyway, she met a new guy and wants to do kinky stuff with him and she asked for some advice.

What I wanted to say to her was, ‘Really? You’re asking me for advice? Fuck, if I knew what I was doing I wouldn’t have been whining blogging about this stuff for the last ten years,’ but instead I tried to give her some advice and in the middle of it I realised that I sounded like some pompous asshat that was trying to give someone a lecture in the twue way.

The advice I actually wanted to give to her was, “Have fun, be safe and don’t think things through too much,” but what I actually gave her was two hours of, “You guys need to have a talk about your limits, learn how to safely tie each other up and where it’s ok to hit and think about whether you want a dynamic or to just remain play partners.”

Yeah. I don’t know what came over me. I felt like the fun police raining down on her new relationship parade.

I’m pretty sure my kind of advice is what puts a lot of people off getting into kink. It all sounds so serious and overwhelming. It makes it seem like kink is some super science that you need a Ph.d in and ten references before you play with anyone. The reality is that it isn’t. You can have a lot of cheap, low-tech fun with just some occy straps and clothes pegs and no-one is going to go home crying.

It is really necessary to have a first aid kit, basic anatomy knowledge and to have memorised The Mechanics of Safe BDSM Play from cover to cover if you just want to fool around a bit?

Probably not.

I guess, I’ve just heard a lot of stuff about things going wrong and people having bad experiences. I’ve heard stories about random, simple things being a trigger for some people and boundary pushing moving into abuse territory.

But I also think you need to try stuff and experiment. Discover what you like and what you don’t and enjoy the butterflies and the thrill that you get from the unknown. The honeymoon period of bdsm is a joyous one that you really only get to experience once and I think everyone should have the chance to do so without worrying about whether they are doing it ‘right’.

It’s similar to how I feel about the recent trend of helicopter/cottonwool parenting and nanny-state laws. I think removing people’s chance to make conscionable decisions generally results in us becoming more stupid and unable to develop good judgement and the more you restrict people, the more they want to do even stupidier stuff when they get the chance (i.e. we’re breaking the law anyway, so let’s make it worth it.)

After talking with her a bit, apparently they’ve already dappled and she has the cutest safeword (not cute because she has one, but that the actual word is cute and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to say it without laughing.) After lunch we toured the couple of adult shops that are nearby and I manage to get my hands on the legendary thuddy flogger that I’ve been lusting after for a while. I’m not sure what they ended up buying, I was too busy fondling the flogger and wondering if I wanted to spend a hundred dollars on it – which I did, because it is a beautiful thing. Pics to come!

I feel like I want to talk to her again and tell her to just ignore the stuff I said, but I’m pretty sure I’ve already put doubts into both of their minds. Thoughts? Was I wrong or right for saying what I did?


3 thoughts on “Newbies

Add yours

  1. I wonder if sometimes those of us who are currently involved in some kind of bdsm activity or those of us who have been in one tend to go over the top with advice.

    I think we sometimes paint it as some kind of magical, mystical, secret hand shake kind of thing.

    When in fact it’s really not that big a deal.

    Yep telling someone to be careful re: where to hit etc is a good thing to tell someone, as that could have a major impact (no pun intended lol) on someone’s health.

    The fun stuff needs to be talked about too.
    If we talk about all the ‘rules’ it does seem like a lecture and it also seems like we don’t want someone to be involved.

    From my experience, there is A LOT of competition about who is the biggest pain slut, who is the most slave like or who has the most sadistic Top/Dom/Master.

    I think people get intimidated that someone new will come in and be better than them. What better way of stopping that than painting it as something dangerous and not worth trying.

    That’s just my 2 cents worth. lol

    P.S I’m not saying you do that as you are definitely not that kind of person.

    I’ve seen that happen when I was involved and even now, when reading different blogs it seems the oldies don’t want newbies.
    They forget they were once a newbie. 🙂

    1. Yes, I totally agree with the big deal/not such a big deal and people wanting to be the twuest *insert label here*. I have to admit to getting my knickers in a twist sometimes about really young folk being all ‘experienced’ and trying to run things. I know we need fresh blood and all that sort of thing, but I just immediately sort of shake my head in a condescending way and assume they don’t know what they are talking about. (I really have to get out of that habit because it makes me seem like an old fart…)

  2. The stuff that goes on in the scene is very much like photography.
    The photography community is ten times bitchier than the scene will ever be. LOL
    Actually I’m not joking. It is really bad.

    I’ve seen groups of photographers rip newbies apart. They are awfully cruel in critiques and will hammer and hammer them.
    They don’t want new people involved as they see them as a threat to their business. They are really weird people.

    I can remember went I first was involved in the whole bdsm thing; it was like being a kid in a candy shop.

    So much to see and do! It was so intoxicating, it was like a drug for me.
    All common sense went out of the window. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if someone told me not do this or that. I would have just gone ahead with what excited me.

    Don’t be the old fart. 😛

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