Rewards

Master kept asking me what my plans for the day were and how long I needed for my translation etc. etc. so I knew something was in the air. Normally, He never asks about things like that so I guessed that He had something in mind. So it turned out that it was my ‘reward’-for good behaviour I am assuming…He’d been saying that I was due for a reward for several days and I was waiting for it on my days off but it didn’t come. And then I was thinking that it might be on Friday because the boys would be here Sat and Sun…So, in fact, I was spot on!

Master had been in pain with His shoulder and back for several days and in that situation I would really prefer that didn’t give me any rewards… it only aggravates things and means I’ll be needed for more massages! He had been watching the cricket and playing poker and things and then suddenly it was “I think you should go and lie down”. He said afterwards that He hadn’t given me any warm up on purpose, but rather than the spur-of-the-moment, at-your-beck-and-call feeling I should’ve been getting it was more a case of me picking up on the “Ho, hum, let’s get this over with” vibes that I was getting from Master. He commented later that I hadn’t been very ‘tolerant’-meaning that I had been more vocal, more quickly than usual and that that’s His indication of when I’ve had enough. Well, that was news to me! I had wondered if He’d prefer me to be vocal…Obviously we need to discuss some things, what He wants from me, where He sees us going, if things are working out between us as He expected.I have no idea how He feels about us at all and it’s really playing on my mind.I always seem to get involved with these non-communicative men for some reason!

I also think I wasn’t very tolerant because I felt too much like He was doing it for my sake-servicing me, as the case may be. Master said He is not a true sadist in the sense that He doesn’t like to hurt people if He knows that they don’t want it or are not turned on by it. And I am not a masochist in that I don’t enjoy pain, I don’t want to inflict it upon myself etc. but I do enjoy ‘enduring’ it to please Master. So if Master is only doing it for me, it’s like ‘What’s the point??’ I know that He does enjoy the control and He said before that giving pain is part of the way He shows control, so He must enjoy it on some level. To what extent though I’m not sure. There is so much that I do not know and am unsure about. That’s why I really think we need to sit down and talk at some stage. I just find it so hard to discuss these things- to vocalize my wants and dissatisfactions.

One of my majors concerns has been our compatibility. I have a feeling that we both want different things. I want a relationship that is equal in a sense that we both contribute equal amounts to it and that we both work to make it be the best it can be. That is where respect is born. I need structure, routine and a constant affirmation of my slavery. I need to feel myself giving service and being of service in my belly. I need to be looked after in the sense that my basic needs are met, without having to ask for them, and I need to feel that He is interested in me as His ‘pet project’, interested in being the controlling factor of my life. I need lots of play and lots of bondage. More than anything I need bondage-without the security of it I am lost. It feeds a need in me and I crave it more than any other sort of play.

I need our vanilla life to be secure-bills paid, enough money to live on, housework/gardening done by whoever is available (mostly me but sometimes help is nice!)It’s not enough for me to just survive and live day to day…I need a life that we shape together and always try to improve.
I don’t want to have to ask for everything…we know our roles. If I need something or ask for permission, it’s ok to be turned down sometimes. If I always know that I will get what I ask for, I feel no submission.

It actually feels good getting this all down in here. I’ve been stressed for quite a while about whether I really made the right decision, if we are really right for each other. I get a sense that Master really does not know what to do with me and perhaps He is having second thoughts too! My inability to call Him ‘Master’ to His face is, I think, directly related to my lack of feeling that He is really dominating me. In the bedroom perhaps I feel it strongly, but in everyday life it is not as strong as I want it to be.

I asked for some money today and Master made the comment that he wasn’t a ‘mind reader’, meaning that if I want something I need to ask for it. But things like that are basic needs, we discussed me having an allowance before and if He was really thinking about me He would know that I have no money and would be needing some. It’s not really something that He needs to be told in my opinion.

Looking back at what I have written I can see that I have been bottling up a lot of stuff. More than anything though I see the need more communication. Master, You know what I am feeling etc. from my journal but I have so little information/feedback from You. A little view of Your big picture would help us both.