I have been known to watch porn from time to time and something strikes me odd about it – is it just me, or is everyone in bdsm porn obsessed with making the woman orgasm?
Now, I have to state that there are only a few porn sites that I frequent ,and all of them except one are produced by the lovely folk over at Kink.com so perhaps it is their kink to focus on getting the woman off and not a characteristic of porn in general, but I do find it curious as to why the big focus on the big ‘o’.
I’m O-challenged, always have been and quite possibly always will be (although I hate to admit the fact that I may never be able to have an ‘o’ provided by someone else, the prospects seem to be quite grim.) But I watch the reactions of these women in the clips, the reactions I believe to be real that is…lol…and I can see a lot of things that I feel too- the twitching, the over-sensitivity of pink bits, the amazing need for the sensation to stop or change or do something!
Being stimulated by others, clitoral stimulation that is, gives me a sensation akin to being tickled. It’s not quite like that, but it’s as close to it as I can explain. It feels both good and bad and it feels very different to when I ‘release’. I call it a release because it is exactly that-there’s a build up of pressure and then a nice release. Now I’m not quite sure if I need to just ‘endure’ through the ticklish stage of clitoral stimulation and that somehow I will arrive at the same destination as when I release, or if something else needs to be done, but generally what happens is that the ‘ticklishness’ just reaches a point and I either (a) start to get sore or (b) need to pee. That’s it. There’s no satisfying release, no peaking climax like I have when I see to my own needs and it kind of feels likes I’ve only half scratched an itch or eaten half a piece of chocolate. It makes me want to scream, “Is that it???” out to the universe.
Our mystery shopper the other week seemed very intent on getting me to orgasm. As it was, he spent over a good solid hour doing things to my clit, cunt and bum that probably would have seen any other woman cum. All I had was my usual ticklish sensation then I started to get sore and then my mind started wandering. He seemed frustrated and I was too. I felt kind of sorry and guilty for not being able to come through with some cumming for him. I guess I equate being able to cum when required as a characteristic of a ‘good slave’. The pleaser gene in me wants to be able to do that sort of thing for those who use me.
But back to my original topic. Why is being able to make a woman orgasm such a turn on for so many? From my point of view, I just want to be used as an object. I don’t feel a need to orgasm for my own pleasure in play situations and I don’t expect a guy to be able to give me one in order for me to feel fulfilled. In fact, I get highly stressed if I know that the other person is focusing on me and my pleasure where sex is concerned. But increasingly I’m seeing porn and reading blogs where it’s all about getting the woman to orgasm as many times as possible. Is that the new yardstick of a domly one?
Yes, I’m pleased when Master gets off. I feel good because I’ve served a purpose and given him pleasure. I don’t expect anything in return though because the act of being used is what I get off on, not getting off for getting off’s sake. I’m sure there is an element of control and power involved in being able to make a woman cum, but is that what is behind the big ‘o’ being all the rage?
a subtle time 
Interesting question.
I think with a lot of dominant men, the idea of the female orgasm is used to justify our own behaviour. In a sense, it’s a case of ‘ well, she’s cum, so she must be enjoying it. And if she’s enjoying it, then that means I can carry on doing what I’m doing to her. ‘
For some men, if she’s laying there not writhing with continuous orgasms then it’s all a little too close to abuse / rape to be comfortable.
Personally, while I do want my girlfriend to enjoy herself during sex, I don’t see her orgasm as essential to that. As long as she consents to what we do, and tells me afterwards that she enjoyed it, then that’s enough for me.
And actually – the idea of a girl laying there and being fucked with no regard for her own pleasure ? Like an object or a possession ? I could enjoy that, I think…
Sometimes it is focused on too tightly – it becomes a waiting game. An orgasm that is simply given is more enjoyable then one that is expected to happen.
I don’t know about other Dom’s, but I do know that many men (in general) focus on the ‘button’ and want to see the results – they forget is about the pure pleasure of being priviliged to touch.. just as we are priviliged to serve. THAT is what makes me wet – not the orgasm – its the touch.
Aside from sending me into spasms of laughter, your comment did make me take a step back and think. So having a woman ‘obviously enjoy’ what you do to her is how you get around one’s feelings of social guilt? Very interesting.
Do you think men have been trained to want the woman to enjoy herself? I mean, it wasn’t too long ago that woman endured the deed by composing shopping lists in their heads and the man didn’t really give a fuck what she thought as long as the holes were still there. Have the repeated ear bashings about ‘foreplay’ and ‘your partner’s enjoyment’ that men have received actually had an impact? Can you now no longer have a man just fuck you without a need for feedback?
I find this absolutely fascinating! Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
k
I agree! I do feel the ‘expectation’ of an orgasm as a tangible pressure and that’s why I feel guilty when I can’t provide one. I guess a lot of guys want a pat on the back for finding the button and then a golden accolade for pushing it. They’ve done their bit, now the woman is supposed to do hers.
But, if you push it, will she cum?
k
In my personal opinion, orgasms of the submissive (both men and women, I guess) should be used as a reward, or as a conclusion or – ultimately – the highlight of a sexual act. Then you need to realize that the sessions you can watch at Kink.com are different from bdsm-orientated relationships or even 24/7 action: In a relationship, you can ‘dose’ orgasms really, while Kink.com is a pure sensation site, both for the actors and the viewers. It’s not about really controlling the sub, it’s more like playing with them a little, but essentially, it’s regular sex with a bit of bondage. I don’t think that’s different in relationships, because bdsm doesn’t naturally focus on orgasms but on control, so by definition, orgasms aren’t necessary in a bdsm relationship. Personally, I’d dislike a submissive that wouldn’t respond to sexual stimulation. But that’s a matter of taste really, I think, as I’d also dislike a submissive that wouldn’t speak, as you were with your Mystery Shopper… so I guess it’s just a matter of personal preferences. I’m not a take-only dominant after all, I like to reward my girls with pleasure if they served me well.
As a last note, I can recommend you ‘The Training of O’, another bdsm-featuring site that doesn’t focus on orgasms that much. They combine pure bdsm with Kink.com-like bdsm-sex, which is basically what I prefer. It’s definately more focussed on the dominance-part, so you might look at it if you have the chance. It’s definately my favourite of all those sites.
And, without trying to advertise, there’s InSex, a meanwhile shut-down site, I think. They had almost no sexual stimulation of the submissives in their sessions, so that’d basically what you were talking about, I guess…
~Raven
Ah ya poor thing – I can cum at the drop of a hat, from a wide variety of stimulation, multiple times – if I could I would box some up and send them to you just so you know what you’re missing!
I know Amo would agree with that first comment – if I am not dripping wet and cumming then he starts to feel like a jerk.
p.s. And I have to just add in – I know you haven’t had sex with a woman, but don’t rule out a clitoral orgasm until you’ve had a lesbian go to work – mwah ha haa !
I can relate. It took me 23 years after I started having sex to reach orgasm with anyone (anyone besides myself, that is), and it was a long, frustrating, depressing time. And it still is not easy, and it does not always happen. More often than not, it doesn’t–and it sure the HELL doesn’t when someone focuses on making it happen, because I end up feeling as if they’re not trying to make ME feel good; it’s some sort of competition they’re having with themselves, especially if they know how hard it is for me and how long it took me to get here. It’s like “hey! I’m a real man! I can make her come!” It isn’t about me. It’s about THEM.
This was a great entry – I’ve had problems reaching orgasm for years and I always feel so guilty that the other person gets frustrated…never mind that I want to freaking cum!
I know, rationally, that this is a common issue, but it’s reassuring to hear it from other people, especially more sex-positive people.
can relate
In my humble opinion, it seems that most of the “active” literature out there kink-related is more sexual power exchange instead of the mental/emotional power exchange. I can relate, I get off on the mental/emotional power exchange and the sexual exchange comes second. Its very difficult to find Others who understand the sexual aspects can be second, but then again… then again, most Men tend to think sex first (no offense to any Men).
~elana
http://echoesofaheart.blogspot.com/
Over the Orgasm….ish
It’s nice to kow i’m not the only O-challenged one….
When someone is so focussed on making me cum all I think is “Gee it’s taking so long, they can’t be enjoying it THAT much..” and i stop feeling aroused and start feeling self conscious…I pretty much got over the orgasm a while back because i’d given up on ever being able to release with someone else without taking an aaaage.
It has to be clitoral stimulation for me but not directly because I get the “omg i need to pee” feeling as well and/or that burning/tickling sensation. I’m always afraid that if I endure the ticklyburning then all that’s going to happen is me disgracing myself by wetting the bed…The same thing happens with penetration….I just want to dash to the loo.
Porn makes me jealous…I would LOVE to be one of THOSE women who can cum at the drop of a had…but then again D says there’s no challenge there. If I can find a happy medium where he feels a little bit challenged and can go to work but not for so long that I feel self conscious….then i’ll be a happy(er) woman.
Orgasms good if they happen but not end of our world
everyone is different
but too much is made of the orgasm to the point it where it may be considered like an urban myth
its something to be enjoyed
its something that can be a reward
its like everest its great when you conquer it
but for some it will never happen
not that they are bad or indifferent but simply for some reason it won’t just happen in the way it happens for everyone else
doesn’t mean sex cannot be enjoyable, doesn’t mean they aren’t attractie or sexy, just means they’re physiology or nerve endings just aren’t permitting them to feel stimulated.
l wouldn’t get hung up about it
plenty of other ways to enjoy your body and mind and your partner
I don’t think any less of you, l don’t enjoy you less than if you had one, l am just sorry its an experience you haven’t had, but no reason to stop enjoying sex
Master
I think the big focus behind making someone orgasm is it’s a mark of ownership, especially in the BDSM mindset. At least, that’s how I’ve always viewed it, and that’s how my love does, too. Obviously, as a submissive, you give your mind and your actions towards pleasing the person who owns you. But your body, while used at the whim and pleasure of who you submit to, still works on its own without any direction from your “master”.
However, when someone leads you to orgasm (or forces you to! I love those), your body’s actions become completely not your own and fall into something that is entirely dictated by the person who created it. In the end, (with us, anyways) it’s not so much about my pleasure as it is the control he has over my body’s reactions.
If that makes any sense?
Personally, I love to orgasm. It’s nice. I have had one orgasm given to me by someone else that was the same and just as good as one I could give myself. I enjoy making myself orgasm for my Master. He finds it so facinating and there is something mystic and amazing about it. My favorite trick (You and your master should try it!) is to have him inside me while I masturbate (I only rub my clit and do it until I can’t hold it anymore) but he doesn’t move until I orgasm. It’s a very nice experience for both, especially if he starts moving right after the first ‘wave’. Also, I enjoy it more if he lays down on top of me. It highlights my every shudder and squirm against his still body.
I think orgasms are a sign that you’re doing your job right. I just don’t feel the same if I don’t make my Master cum. It gives me a satisfaction, a distinct “I did well” feeling. I always tell him that he won’t give me another great orgasm, and when he plays with my clit it just makes me want to do it right myself. (Hit that Gspot since I can’t!) I’d rather him give me smaller orgasms that I have easily. I honestly don’t know exactly when I’m having them half the time. I’d grown used to the toe-curling-back-arching-OH!-orgasms before I even started messing around with guys.
Maybe you’re like me and you really have several smaller orgasms everytime, just not a screaming moaning all out great single orgasm every time. ((I’ve had up to around 50 smaller ones during an hour of sex and ended up screaming from all those together))
As for pressure, just don’t have any. It WILL happen if it will happen.
Besides, it could always be that your vagina just doesn’t feel like it today…
“Do you think men have been trained to want the woman to enjoy herself?…Have the repeated ear bashings about ‘foreplay’ and ‘your partner’s enjoyment’ that men have received actually had an impact?”
Yes, absolutely.
I’m just shy of 40, so I’m probably one of the oldest people around to have had their entire sexual/sensual perceptions shaped ‘post-sexual revolution’.
Dr. Martin Luther King preached the gospel of personal freedom based on color.
Dr. Ruth Westheimer preached the gospel of “personal” freedom based on gender.
One of the most liberating moments I’ve ever had was the realization that The Collar meant I didn’t have to care anymore. I’m completely free to do as I please – Pleasureable or Painful (or both). Exciting and Arousing or Dull and Boring as hell – it’s *MY* choice.
She only has one choice…that’s what The Out is for. It’s for saying No. (Crying in Pain, or Bored to Tears makes no difference, The Out is for saying “Enough Already, Dayam!”)
Doesn’t mean that actually acting in accordance with that is easy… I’m often MUCH too nice a guy, who’s suppressed his darker side(s) for much too long, and it’s tough to “let go” enough…
Which is why I read…I identify on a deep level with some of the things you say about Master…*grins*